


Embrace Your Chaos

by GayLlamaFromSpace



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Betrayal, Blood and Injury, Bodyguard Romance, Canon Lesbian Character, Child Abuse, Denial of Feelings, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Shenanigans, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Fanfiction, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Gay Male Character, Hate to Love, Magic, Minor Character Death, Past, Pining, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayLlamaFromSpace/pseuds/GayLlamaFromSpace
Summary: (Y/N) is a young mage who finds herself at Aretuza, under the guidance of a Rectoress. During her time there she learns to accept and believe in her powers. In the beginning (Y/N) has a poor relationship with her fellow mages, Tissaia de Vries most of all, but trust can be earned, with enough determination and even a bit of chaos.(I will be trying to update this fairly often, so stay tuned)
Relationships: Reader & Margarita Luax-Antille, Tissaia de Vries/Reader
Comments: 22
Kudos: 74





	1. Doubt Can Be Dangerous

"You are all conduits of chaos, the magical force controlled by mages..." the Rectoress begins. It is the first day of our lives in Aretuza, all of us were taken from our homes, because we are, as Rectoress said, "conduits of chaos," whatever the fuck that means. I was perfectly fine with my ordinary life. Daughter of a Lord, not a very well known one, but a lord nonetheless. I'm (Y/N) and the only thing important about me were my relations to my father and the money to my name. That is apparently until I performed some sort of magic, which I personally don't believe.

From what my younger brother told me, I allegedly "made the ouchie on his knee go bye-bye." All I did was kiss it and hold him until he fell asleep (ma had him brought to his room because he "could not walk", but I know that was horse shit), I mean really. Kissing boo-boos doesn't make them better, I'm sure it just wasn't as bad as he thought and it healed up quickly on it's own. Of course, somehow this "Rectoress of Aretuza" found out about my brother's story, and came to my father's estate. My father, being the backboneless lout he is sent me off without the blink of an eye. Didn't even make her pay for me, like most men would. I can't help but think that, if my mother had been home that day, maybe I would still be at home…

"(Y/N), are you not grateful for your opportunity here? Because you seem to care nothing for the opportunity you've been given." The Rectoress says, pulling me from my thoughts. I look at her blankly, opting to show no emotion. From my peripheral vision I can see that the eyes of seven other girls are on me. The Rectoress impatiently raps her fingers on the podium in front of her.

"Are you a mute? Or are you too daft to know when you're being spoken too?" She remarked, irritation evident in her voice. I take a deep breath and slowly let it out.

"I am not mute, and I know that you are talking to me." I say, she raises a brow clearly expecting more. I comply, assuming that if I don't I'll probably be turned into a toad or something.

"I was simply wondering why I am here, I clearly don't belong here. If magic, of any kind, really does exist, it's very unlikely that I would be able to do it" I continued, a bit of sass working its way into my tone, completely involuntarily. The Rectoress only laughs, bitterly and cold. She walks from behind her podium and comes to stand before mine, getting too close for comfort.

"If you doubt your power, then you doubt the judgement of the Brotherhood of Sorcerers. Such an offense is ignorant for anyone to partake in…. If you're so sure that we are wrong, why don't you prove it." She says, almost too happy to put me on display. No doubt she is hoping I will embarrass myself with refusal. Most of these girls would. Me being me, I give her a cocky smile step away from her. I can see what I think is a flash of shock in her eyes.

"Alright, Rectoress, what will you have me do?" I say slyly, using a trick I learned from observing my father's court. When you want to get your point across, be confident in your actions - if not cocky. People love confidence. False or not.

"Well… your brother seems to think that you used magic to heal his scraped knee." the rectoress grabs a random girl from the circle, a girl at about my height and age, maybe older.  
"You will heal this one." In a quick movement, the Rectoress grabs a sharp stone from off of one of the seven podiums and drags it across the young girl's flesh, creating a relatively deep and nasty gash on her forearm. When the rectoress let go of the girl she pushed her towards me and turned away as if the screaming and crying of the girl meant nothing.

"You have one week (Y/N), if she dies because of your inability to use chaos, consider your argument won. Leave us." the Rectoress announces, with a dismissive tone. I bare my teeth and try my damnedest to stifle my anger. 'How can someone be so cruel? This girl did nothing to deserve this…' I think to myself as I escort the young mage to my room, applying pressure to gash on her arm. Her wailing and screams of pain chills me to the bone. She thrashes about a bit, which only makes it harder for me.

"I'm sorry…" I whisper to her. "We're almost there."

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

When we arrive to my room, I can already tell that she's lost too much blood. 'How am I supposed to save her within a week if she's doomed to bleed out on the first day!' I think frantically, ripping some fabric from my dress and tying it tightly around her wound, she screams even louder, causing everything in my room to shake. I bite my lip, ignoring the pain in my ears from the shrill sound. Upon finishing the last knot and take a step back, breathing heavily. Feeling like I've been struck in the chest, I watch as the girl cries and coughs painfully.

"I… I'm sorry…" I say, not knowing what to do. All I really can do right now is hope that her bleeding slows and that she calms down enough to let me try and heal her. She looks at me, in a dazed and tired way, her eyes are still pricked with tears ready to fall. But behind them, I can see a burning hatred, it's almost as if I can feel the fire from her gaze. Those icy eyes… how much hate have they held before looking at me…. I blink a few times, trying to clear my head, and kneel down beside her.

"I know you hate me for this, and I truly am sorry, but if you're going to live, you have to work with me." I say, she continues to glare at me, but gives the slightest of nods. I hold back a breath of relief and avert my gaze to the wall. I don't know how much more I can stand looking into those eyes. She makes me want to slit my own throat for doing this to her. It's all my fault. If I had just listened when I was supposed to, if only I hadn't challenged the Rectoress. This girl would be fine, she would be in the lesson, devoid of all pain… no threat of death looming over her head.

I begin to cry, I plead and apologize for what I've done to her.

"I-i… I am so sorry… I never wanted- hic- this to happen… I didn't know… I'm glad you hate me… I d-deserve to be hated. I don't know if I can save you, I-" I ramble and sob, until she places her other hand over my mouth, and says to me in a pained and venomous tone,

"Stop your whining you idiot. I'd rather bleed out right now then deal with your sad little self-deprecating monologue…" she takes a deep breath, baring her teeth. "... if you are going to help me, you better do it fast. I will help you… at least I was actually paying attention to what our Rectoress was saying."

I look at her, at a loss for words, So close to death, and she's still pushing on. With such bold determination, I nod in agreement.

"What do I need to do?" I ask her pleadingly. She blinks slowly, clearly trying her hardest not to fall asleep.

"For starters, you could help me to lay down, this position isn't the most comfortable." She says heavily. As quickly, and gently as I can, I lie her down, placing her head gently on my pillow and elevating her slightly. I look at her to see if she this is sufficient and she nods.

"Now what? How do I stop the bleeding?" I ask after looking down at her arm and seeing that she has bled through the fabric and it's starting to soak into the sheets of my bed.

"Tie another piece of fabric above the wound, it will slow it down…" her eyes lull slightly and she appears to be close to going unconscious.

"NO no nonono! You are NOT falling asleep, stay awake damn it!" I yell at her while fiddling with my dress and trying to get another strip of fabric. The girl widens her eyes and looks over to me deliriously, clearly out if it. She won't be anymore help… it's up to me.

"Okay okay… stay awake please!" I exclaim, frantically tying the new strip of fabric on her upper arm as tightly as possible, trying to slow the circulation of blood to her arm. The girl hisses in pain and turns her head to the side. Quickly, I step away from her and and pace frantically.

These people believe that I healed my brother, and the Rectores thinks I could do it again, but his injury was just a small scrape, if I even did heal him, healing a deep gash would be a thousand times harder to do. All I need to do right now is think of how I can help her without wasting my time on magic… I need to replace her bandage, it'll do no good to keep the current one on. I go over to the bedside table and search for a soft cloth, or even something cotton on the off chance. All that I found were a few wash rags.

It'll have to do. I take her former bandage off and set it to the side, moving quickly, I soak one of the wash rags with water and squeeze some of it out. I return to the young mage's side and dab at the wound, which elicits a whimper from her. Thankfully it's stopped bleeding so horribly and is much easier to clean now. Once I've cleared away as much dry blood and germs as I could, I fold another cloth and press it into place, being sure to apply enough pressure so that in case she does start bleeding out again, it won't be as bad. After soaking and cleaning the old fabric to the best of my abilities, I bind the wash rag to her wound with it.

With a deep breath, I take a seat in the chair residing in the corner of the room. She should be fine for the time being, I'll have time to think. 'How did I heal my brother, if I did so in the first place.' I think to myself. 'It's not like it was a conscious thing, all I did was kiss his knee and hold him. I didn't like him being hurt, I wanted him to get better, even if it was a tiny scrape' I pause for a moment in my thinking. I had wanted my brother get feel better, desired it. What if it was my desire to heal him, just me trying to to actually do magic. My eyes widen. I was wrong, I may actually have this "chaos" that the Rectoress was talking about, she seems to know quite a bit about what she's talking about, and seeing as how she was so confident in hurting the girl, I think she may know that I'll be able to heal her.

But how? I didn't pay attention to her lesson, how could I possibly heal her without knowing how. Well, when I healed my brother, it was all desire. I want to heal this girl, very badly, but what if it's not just desire, what if it's my bind with them? My brothers loves me, and I love him, but this girl hates me, I am the reason she's in this mess. And if I can't heal her, then wait happens? Do I suffer just like her, do I go back home? If she dies, her life is in my hands, everything she could never do, never he, would be my fault. I will ruin her life, simply because I didn't want to believe I belonged here. It's truly a shame, she's such a lovely girl, she has a dominant spark in her too. So rare in today's world, where women are seen and not heard, sometimes not even seen.

I look over to her once more, she's fallen asleep, but she should be fine. None of her blood has leaked through her new bandages, and she's starting to get her coloring back. Minus of course her arm, it's so pale, I'll need to loosen the bind stopping her blood, or she loose it. I get up and take off the turkit. I should probably sleep... making my way back over to the chair, I sit down and get comfortable. I just hope she lasts until morning.

Slowly, I fall asleep. Eyes heavy and body weak, it's not long before I'm drug into a slumber….


	2. A Mothers Wisdom

I'm in my room, it's dark, all the candles snuffed out but still smoking. My bed looks no different, neatly made and adorned with my velvet sheets and covers. Plush, soft looking to the eye, fit for a queen. The only thing out of the ordinary is my mother, kneeling beside my former resting place. She looks so weak like this, so fetal. That's not my mother, she would never waste tears, not on something she could not control… but she's there and she's weeping.

I go over to her, wanting to comfort her, but she raises her head in alarm.

"(Y/N) is that you?" She whispers. I stop in my tracks looking at her in confusion. 'Can she not see me?' I wonder. Waving my hand before her face, I test my theory. Nothing but a blink… 'but this is a dream, this is MY dream… how can she not see me? I want her to see me' I frantically move about trying to gain her attention, jumping, snapping, sometimes even yelling her name. But nothing, that is until I fell over and phased right through her. She gasps, looking frantically around.

"(Y/N), it's you!" She says tearfully. All I do is stare at her, and my self in horror. 'I just phased right through my mother… what the fuck' before I can make this anymore akward for myself I quickly scramble to my feet staying at least a foot awake from my mother. Her eyes seem to droop in sorrow.

"This could mean one of two things," she says, looking to the window.  
"You've either died in Aretuza, or you're following the path of your aunt." I stare at her in bewilderment. 'Aunt? I never had an aunt' 

"I never told you about her, but I fear she is long gone now… I haven't seen her since we were 17." She says to me, "She used to visit me like this, she told me about everything she learned, all the people she met." I can hear the melancholy in her voice.

"Put your hand on my shoulder, I'll be able to hear you, but I can't see you" she says, shifting to a more comfortable position. I place my hand on her shoulder timidly, and when I finally make contact, I don't just phase through, it's as if I'm actually there.

"Ma…?" I whisper hopefully. She smiles widely, moving to wipe her eyes before her tears can fall.

"Yes, I can hear you baby." She looks out of the window, finding that the sun is starting to rise.

"We haven't much time… tell me, quickly, what's going on?" She asks me, urgency being evident.

"I uh... well, I got in trouble. I didn't believe in my… magic stuff. The Rectoress hurt another girl… I have to heal them before the end of the week, or they'll die… I don't know what to do momma!" I tell her, get more frantic as I go, trying to hold back tears. 'I can't cry anymore, its weak, I've already shown myself to be in front of that girl… I can't cry in front of my mom'

My mother nods thoughtfully,  
"I remember Gwen telling me that you need to take to give… after you healed your brother you were exhausted. The both of you falling asleep almost instantly." She looks to the window again, teeth baring.

"Take energy from something else. A flower, a creature, something. You'll hurt yourself if you don't" she exclaims quietly. "You have to go…"

I look at her sadly. How she knows I have no idea, but I can tell she's right.

"I love you momma. I'll be strong, I won't let my emotions get the better of me again." I swear to her. She smiles sadly and looks around once more.

"I just want you to know one thing dearest. Your emotions are your strength, your confidence to show them only tells that you are not afraid of them… do not let the lies of men guide you downward." She tells me smiling pridefully.

Everything starts to go dark, and I try to grab for her, but I'm ripped away and shoved into a dark abyss. It's cold, and unfamiliar, nothing like my room. It's only until I start to feel drowsy that I realize that I'm waking up.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

With a few blinks, I awaken in reality. In Aretuza with a girl on my new bed. She's sleeping just fine, and her arm hasn't bled to much through the cloth. I lay my head back, looking up at the ceiling. 'So I have an aunt that's like me… if she's even still alive. I can converse with my mother through my dreams, and I can heal people with magic.' I think to myself.

"Fuckin' hell…" I whisper, slamming my balled fists on the arms of the chair. "Aren't I the dumbest bitch in the world!"

Forcefully, I rise from my chair and pace around the room. 'Okay, my mom said that to do magic I need to use the energy of something else. A give and take, if I take away her injury, would I give it to myself?' I ponder, looking over at the girl occasionally.

"Okay. Take something to give something. Trade, I know trade, it has to be equal or you'll be in debt. This isn't too different from court… kind of." The girl stirs, and immediately I'm at her side fidgeting frantically hoping that she actually wakes up. My worry seems to have paid off, because just a few moments later she opens her eyes. It's not even three seconds before she starts glaring at me again, even less time before she starts talking in an unimpressed tone,

"Great, it wasn't a dream." I just stare at her, 'how the fuck can she be this hateful? I mean, I get it, but I'm trying to help her.' With a deep breath I walk to the water basin. It's full of clean water. 'Someone was in here it seems.' Upon further inspection, I find that there are Roses placed on the desk, along with a note. Quickly. I grab the paper and read it, behind me I hear the girl scoff. 'Fuck you too then.'

I unfold the note and read over it.

Dear (Y/N),

Here are some roses, from my garden, I know how much you've always loved them. They're so magical to look at, I hope they brighten your space a little.

Love,  
Your Mother

I smiled to myself, placing the letter down, I guess she knew I'd be needing them… we always did have a strange bond. I turn back to the girl with a smile, she looks at me as if I've got a horn on my head.

"What's got you so happy? Did you get a love letter or something? Because I really doubt it" she remarks. I simply roll my eyes and cross my arms.

"No, I don't have time for that. My mother sent me these lovely Rose's from her garden, which happens to be enchanted to never die." I say smugly. Her mouth opens ever so slightly in shock. I try to suppress a laugh but I can't help but smile. 'I could get used to this.'

"Now!" I grab the chair from the corner and drag it to the side of the bed "I believe introductions are in order." Taking a seat, I begin talking again,

"I am (Y/N). You are?" She lets out an irritated breath through her nose and answers.

"Sky-... Tissaia... I am Tissaia De Vries." I look at her for a moment, then shrug.

"Name change, gotcha. Well, nice to meet you officially, Tissaia De Vries." I say going over to the roses and bringing them back to the bed.

"Now, what is it that the Rectoress said while I wasn't paying attention, miss Tissaia De Vries." I say teasingly. The glare is strong in this one, I'm sure about that much. The way her eyes narrow so pointedly and the icyness of them just bores into you, it's really something powerful.

"Well, miss (Y/N) ," she snaps back, anger becoming evident.  
"The Rectoress had said that we all have a connection to the magical force known as chaos. We can control it, but we need to learn discipline and how to wager whether or not to use chaos during certain times." She explains with a know-it-all attitude.

"Oh, so nothing helpful. Thank goodness I have my mother or you'd be dead as rocks within the next few days" I say. She just looks at me, taken aback, and confused.

"Oh. Right. Well I spoke to my mother last night," she opens her mouth to speak. "I'll explain how if you're nice, but anyway, she told me that when you use chaos there's a give and take. A trade as I like to see it. When I healed my brother I was devoid of all energy and fell asleep immediately after doing it." I explain to her. She says nothing, which is surprising.

"Alright! So apparently she figured I would need her magic roses, and she was right." I continue amusedly.

"Any questions?" She lies there, in complete bewilderment.

"Um… how do you plan on doing that?" She answers. I pause for a moment to think. 'How would I go about doing that? Desire, focus?'

"We're gonna figure that out as we go! We have the tools, we just need to figure out how to use them." I answer quickly, uncertain of my response. She just rolls her eyes and looks back up at the ceiling.

"Oh joy" is all she says before closing her eyes, probably trying to ignore me now.

"Wow, thanks… I'll be back, I'm gonna see if I can find a library or at least someone useful." I snapped angrily, getting out of my seat and stalking out of the door, slamming it behind me.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

The slam of the door makes me flinch. How on earth does that undisciplined, stuck up girl, plan to heal me if she doesn't even know what chaos is! It's absurd, I shouldn't even be here, I should be having lessons with the rest of mages, refining my skills. How am I to become a powerful enchantress if I am forced to waste away with her. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here, but of course. The brat didn't want to leave daddy so she goes about making trouble. And then what? Cries about it! "Oh I'm so sorry, I never wanted this, blah blah blah." It's ridiculous, I'm the one facing death here.

Whatever, there's no point in worrying about it, she will help me, one way or another, then I'll be able to avoid her like the plague.

Carefully, I sit up and maneuver around the bed, trying to get up. Eventually, after much trial and error, I make it to my feet. Great, I can finally walk around. But as for my arm… I lift it up painfully and assess the damage.

"Why did she have to cut my arm? A sorceress's hands are too important." I ask myself softly.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Well, trying to find a library was pointless, and trying to find literally anyone was too. Luckily, I wasn't too horribly lost, so I was able to make it back to my room within an hour. Quietly, I open the door to my room, and to my surprise, I see Tissaia standing at the wash basin. Her standing is shocking enough, but what she's doing is even more surprising. She's smelling the roses, a small smile on her face.

She seems so content… unlike her usual stoic disinterest. I smile softly, observing her. It's funny, how this young woman is always so distanced and mean, but alone she's serene… I'd even say beautiful. Deciding it best not to spy any longer, I enter the room with a cough.

"Nice to see that you can walk" I say smoothly, closing the door and leaning against the wall. She jumps and steps away from the flowers, her hardened expression returning.

"I was checking to see if they were truly enchanted, it appears you were telling the truth… did you find anything?" She says defensively, eliciting a chuckle from me.

"I didn't find anything, but I'm going to at least try…" I say to her, deciding not to inquire about her fascination with my mother's roses. She lets out a puff of breath and returns to her spot on my bed.

"Get on with it then. The sooner you're finished with me the better" she says, flattening out the wrinkles on her dress with her good hand. I grab the vase of roses and take a seat in front of her. I stare at the roses with a furrowed brow and try to focus. Nothing.

"Take off the bandage will ya?" I tell her, she glares up at me for a brief second and then does as I told her. When the wound is uncovered, I realize that it was a little smaller than before. I say nothing, it's probably just me.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. 'Focus… you want her healed…. These roses will help… focus….' I think to myself, visualizing the slash in her arm closing up, the blood flowing in her veins and healing the cut. I stay like that for hours, long enough that eventually the room starts to get dark.

I opened my eyes, the room illuminated by the light of the setting sun. When I look at the roses, I find that a few of them have wilted. I look to Tissaia frantically and she looks back at me in surprise. Her arm is healing, not very much, but if I keep this up, she should be scabbing up within four days. I smile widely and grab her arm carefully.

"I'm going to loosen the tie keeping your blood flow down…" I tell her, looking her in the eyes. She looks right back at me, her eyes seeming softer than before. With a nod from her, I loosen the strip of fabric. 

"I think it's time to call it a night." I say, standing up and stretching. She lies down and I pull the covers over her. She stiffens when my hand grazes her shoulder, and I recoil. She looks at me quizzically, but then just closes her eyes.

"Thank you" she says. I stand there for a moment, confused. 'Thank you?' I ponder. I didn't take her as the type to express thanks, but I guess we don't really know each other either….


	3. Shared Literature

I didn't see my mother again that night, but I guess seeing her the night before had been blessing enough. I awoke to Tissaia reading over the note my mom had written for me, a look of boredom covering every inch of her face.

"If you want to read something you could grab a book from under my bed." I say. She looks up to me quizzically, which makes me smile.

"Despite how dumb I may come across, I enjoy reading… I smuggled some books in here with me. Hid 'em in my skirt pockets." I say triumphantly. She gives me a stern stare and attempts to get to the floor without toppling over. But she uses her bad arm to Brace herself on the bed, which causes her to yelp in pain and bring it to her chest. I stand up, quick as lightning, and I'm at her side a second later.

"Please be careful… I'll get them for you…" I say, kneeling down and reaching under the bed. I can feel her stiffen, her leg pressed against my ribs. I try to maneuver away to avoid making her uncomfortable, but I end up hitting me head on the bottom of my bed.

"Ow fuck!" I hissed through bared teeth, rubbing the back of my head. I hear a muffled chuckle from above me, which makes me smile. I grab the books and come out from under the bed. When I hand her the books she gives the tiniest smile and says,

"Thank you." I smile back and nod in acknowledgment. Standing to my feet, I stretch and pop a few of my joints.

"I strongly suggest 'Poems of Banibus Crowl', some of them are a bit intimate, but his work is really quite good" I suggest to her, with a smile. She only nods and continues going through my five books. Unbeknownst to her, I notice when she sets the book I suggested away from the others.

My stomach growls, painfully, and in that instant I realized that we haven't eaten anything in 2 days. From how Tissaia places her hand over her own stomach and her brows furrow, I think she realized too. I purse my lips and twiddle my thumbs a bit.

"You wouldn't happen to know where we can get food would you?" I ask her hopefully. She lets out a breath, and opens her mouth to speak.

"Go and ask someone out there, in pretty sure you'll find someone who's willing to feed us." She says, irritation returning to her voice. I walk over to the door, but before leaving, I turn back and say,

"I'll be right back, I hope you enjoy my books." Then I'm off to find food. Hopefully today it won't be as difficult to find someone as it was yesterday.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Once again, (Y/N) left the room, leaving me to my thoughts. I've been harsh, I know, and steadfast with my hatred for her. But she's trying, and it seems that there's more to her than I previously thought… but it doesn't matter, soon I'll be out if her hair, especially with the progress she is making. I would be lying if I hadn't helped her last night, she was doing next to nothing with my arm, I caved. Only for my own benefit, nothing to do with her, I just wanted the process over with.

My shock had been genuine though I could feel her power, and my own. Melding perfectly together. My cut may have been healed within another few hours if we'd kept it up, but she stopped and called it a night. I didn't argue simply because I was tired anyway.

When I woke up this morning, roughly an hour before (Y/N), I had tried to heal the wound more on my own, it got slightly smaller. But that was all I could do. Least I'd risk her finding out more of her roses were dead. It's a shame that we have to destroy them, they really are quite beautiful… but they're just flowers, and the best thing they can do for us now is die.

After trying to heal myself, boredom started to creep into my mind. At first I paced, but she started to stir. So then I started reorganizing her room as quietly as possible. It wasn't too horribly messy, but it wasn't up to my standards either. So I rearranged to roses-- pulled the dead ones out and desposed of them-- straightened all of the utensils around the water basin, and even made the bed.

That didn't quell my boredom, so I took the note from beside the vase and sat on the nicely made bed, starting to read it over and over and over again. Until (Y/N) finally woke up. Much to my surprise, and appreciation, she had books. How the rectoress never noticed them in her skirts, I may never know, but I'm thankful she didn't.

Currently, I'm reading 'Poems of Banibus Crowl', the book that (Y/N) suggested. Personally, I prefer more informative literature, but desperate times call for desperate measures. This first poem wasn't too horrible, it told of a man who was trying to find the Golden Dragon. He dies, killed by a vengeful nomad. The second one was… "intimate," as (Y/N) had put it. So much so, that I could feel as the heat of my face heightened drastically.

I hear the door open and slam the book shut, looking up, only to find (Y/N) holding a tray piled with food and a few books shoved into the top of her dress. Her eyes meet mine and she gives me knowing grin.

"You were reading one of his poems weren't you?~" she teases. I blink and return try desperately to return to my usual indifferent self. But I can still feel the heat of the blush on my face, now of embarrassment.

"I was not. And if I had been, what does it mean to you?" I snap, watching as she places down the tray on the bed stand to my left.

"Nothing really" she says with a shrug of her shoulders.  
"Not like I haven't read them. I personally don't like the ones with a man and a woman, you find those in every romance novel." She continues, taking some grapes from the tray and eating them.

"What do you mean by that?!" I exclaim, confused at what she meant. She chuckles heartily, and sits in her chair, one of her legs hung over the arm of it. That in itself puzzles me even more, 2 days ago she was this semi-proper, young lady, if not a bit cocky. But now she's become this unladylike, garish, tomboy.

"Oh, well, he likes to write intimacies of all orientations. Men with men, women with women, and the usual." She explains, clearly trying hard not to get to graphic. She gets her point across though.

"Wait… so you prefer to read homosexual pornography?" I ask her astonishedly.

"Yes, now stop talking and eat. Have your pick of whatever, I'll eat what's left." She says, pulling the books from her bodice, and opening one.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

I look at the open book in my hands, not reading a word, but just thinking to myself.  
'I shouldn't have said anything… what if she finds out… what if she hates me more?' I think to myself. It's not like she doesn't hate me already, but she seems to have gotten a little more tolerant of my presence. I could loose that, especially if she finds out I like girls. I'm so stupid!

"I can practically hear you fretting from over here (Y/N). Calm yourself, I'm not going to judge you for your taste in literature." Tissaia says, interrupting my thoughts. I look up at her, to find her reading my book and eating a piece of bread, I catch her occasionally looking up to see what I'm doing.

"Please stop staring at me. I can't focus." She says, her irritation coming back full force. I bite my lip, and look away, apologizing.

"Sorry…" she hums in response.

I close my eyes and lean my head back, rubbing my temples. 'Alright, calm down. All you have to do is read the book and find some magic word for healing. That's what the women said.' I think to myself. With puff of breath, I look back down at the book and begin my search….


	4. An Akward Bath

I found the spell, but the problem is, Tissaia has to be asleep for me to do it. She's very much awake right now, pouring over one of the books I brought back from my trip to find food. It was a book on magical creatures, informational. She'd asked me an hour ago what it was, she ran into another one of the heated poems in Banibus's book, and decided it best to stop with that for tonight. She's been reading the new book since.

There's another spell, but that would hardly be appropriate. Not to mention that I don't have any paint. So I'll have to wait. It would be a long wait anyway, because it's only just noon. I get up and take a small piece of bread from the tray and lean against the wall close to the window. I look out at the ocean, watching as the waves tumble and fold onto each other. This place is quite beautiful at times, but it's always so dark… so gloomy. The water, reminds of another need that we have. Bathing, it's been 3 days, and no doubt I probably smell horrible. I look at the water basin, and the tub pushed into the corner. Then I look at Tissaia.

"We're going to need baths." I say, she looks at me with raised brows. For her that must've been out of the blue.

"I'm not saying that you or I smell bad, it's just that it's been 3 days, and we ought to figure out arrangements, seeing as how you're currently sharing my room and…" I gesture to the tub.

"Oh, I see… well, I suppose I could return to my room. Utilize my tub." She says. I drown slightly, but I'm not sure why.

"What if you hurt your arm again trying to get in and out of the tub? Like how you did this morning" I blurt out, she looks at me, clearly thinking. I hold my breath immediately regretting what I'd said. 'Did that seem creepy? I just don't want her to get hurt.' I think to myself. She finally says something, silencing my frantic mind.

"I suppose you're right…" she seems at a loss for words, probably thinking about how awkward and inappropriate this could all be. An idea pops in my head.

"We could both use my tub, maybe make a bunch of bubbles so you can't see under the water, just in case." I say. She's silent, painfully silent, I should have kept my mouth shut.

"Fine, but we are keeping our backs to each other." She orders, in her usual stern and serious manner. I nod silently and go to the wash basin, getting the bubble mix from under it.

"I'm glad this place has bubbles, and magic plumbing. Makes all of this easier." I say, mostly to myself. Going over to the tub and pull the spicket lever, allowing for water to come out and start filling the tub. At about quarter to full, I dump the bubbles in and start moving the water around with my other hand. It takes about 10 minutes for the tub to get full. Which at that time, I turn to Tissaia and smile awkwardly.

"You first" I say, turning to face the wall. I can hear her grunt ever so quietly while getting up, and the sound of ruffling fabric. I hear her dress hit the floor and then sloshing water.

"I'm going to need help sitting down, so you'd better hurry." She says, sounding less than pleased with her current predicament. I'm not too happy either, I want this done and over with as soon as possible.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Never, in a million years did I think I would be in this sort of situation. It's utterly embarrassing. My injury isn't even as bad as it was before, but NO my arm can't seem to understand that I need to use it. So now I'm forced to share a tub... with the person who CAUSED the injury nonethless.

I hear (Y/N)'s dress hit the floor and then the sound of her footsteps steps approaching the tub. The water starts sloshing and I stiffen. 'She's in the tub… there is another person in the tub with me… this is so inappropriate.' I think to myself attempting maintain a straight face.

"Alright Tissaia, I'm going to hold you from under your arms…" she says, and a second later I feel her hands graz my sides. I flinch at the sudden contact, but quickly recover, allowing her to brace her arms under mine, and slowly lower me into the tub. Once she's done she sinks down behind me, causing the water to slosh.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

We bathe ourselves in awkward silence, I am trying my hardest not to panic. I'm in a tub, naked, with another girl. And we are bathing right. Behind. Each. Other. At times like this, I wish I wasn't into girls. Not like this has ever happened, but… I can't help but think of what could happen if I turned around. I'm curious, too curious, but I respect her privacy. I'm not peeping tom.

'I've made a mistake' I think to myself, pouring water over my head to hide my tears, not like anyone would see them though. I can already feel it, the tug in my chest, the chills… I've fallen, and this stupid bath isn't helping…

Quickly, I finnish up and start to get out of the tub. It doesn't go unnoticed by Tissaia though.

"That was fast" she says simply. Causing me to look at her. I freeze, my eyes locked on her back, too late for me to look away, I watch as she scrubs her arms, careful with her injured one. All I can do is stare at her small form, her long hair.

"I-I um… I bathe fast, my brother was always so impatient, so I've just... um…" I say. She hums in response and lays all the way down in the water, eyes closed. Quickly, before I can see anything else, I turn around and grab one of the towels from the cabinet and start to dry off. I quickly get dressed and walk out of the room, keeping my eyes dead ahead.

Upon closing the door and slide down to the floor of the corridor and put my head in my hands. 'Damn it!' I think to myself, slamming a fist against my leg. 'Why? Why couldn't I just like boys? I tried damn it, I really did, but I just couldn't.' I ponder, starting to cry.

"I wish I could just make it go away" I whisper, wiping away stray tears. I curl up outside the door, biting into my hand and listening to Tissaia sloshing in the water. The pain becomes too much and I stop, opting to pick at my skirt and try to calm down. I shouldn't be freaking out this bad, it's just a crush. Just a little crush, but… what if it's not? It is, it will pass. I'm a little frustrated that's all, just feeling needy, and I'm reflecting that need on the only girl I've seen in days… it's not love, it can't be love.

"(Y/N), I could use some help" I hear Tissaia say from in my room. I quickly get up and wipe my face. Taking a deep breath, I enter the room and help Tissaia, looking at the wall as if I'm having a staring contest with it. Once she out of the tub, I get her a towel, and stand facing the wall, eyes closed, and taking deep breaths. 'Its just panic, you're just panicking, it's okay.' I try to convince myself.

"Are you almost finished?" I ask her, my voice a little shaken. There's a moment of pause.

"Yes" she finally answers. I turn around timidly and immediately meet her eyes. She looks concerned, another new emotion from De Vries. I look away and hug myself.

"You're hair looks pretty down…" I say. Glancing up at her. She looks at me blankly and turns toward the bed, stalking over and sitting down.

"Thank you." She says, but she doesn't sound very thankful, more angry than anything. I walk over and grab another piece of bread, but before I can walk away she grabs my arm.

"We need to talk. I don't mean about chaos, and not about my arm." She says commandingly. I stare down at her hand, frozen in place. She's never touched me on her own accord, I've always initiated contact. Which never happned oouside of neccisity either.

She lets go and corrects her posture.  
"Sit." She orders once more, causing me to quickly listen, for fear of making her angry, if she wasn't already. I look up at her and twiddle my thumbs anxiously.

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask, fearfully. Her eyes narrow, and she straightens her posture.

"I want you to answer all of my questions honestly. When I am finished, you may ask me questions. Understood?" She says. I nod avoiding eye contact.

"Good. Now, why did you leave the room?" She asks. I look at my hands and mumble,

"Because I was embarrased" she clicks her tongue.

"Answer loud and clear" she orders. I repeat so she can hear. She asks another question.

"Why were you embarrassed?" She's hard and emotionless. I debate lying, what would she do if I did lie? Could she even tell… I don't want to lie, she deserves the truth.

"I was panicking" I answered, trying to stay calm. She nods slowly, tapping her chin in thought.

"What were you panicking about?"

"You." I answer quickly, my voice cracking slightly. She's silent for a while, long enough for me to wipe my rising tears away.

"Were you panicking about my injury?" She asks.

"No" silence again. She takes a breath.

"Why were you panicking about me then?"

"I... um..." I answer but silence myself. She furrows her brows.

"Answer the question" she pushes, leaning forward slightly.

"The bath... I... well, it was... y'know, akward..." she glares at me in a sense that means 'continue, or else', what she'd do, I have no idea, but I don't plan to find out.

"There are so many things I can't tell you. That I can't tell anyone. You already hate me, I can tell. If I told you this you'd be… Disgusted… I don't know..." I look up at her, and find that her eyes furrowed and she's staring at me intently.

"I-" she puts her hand over my mouth.

"I'm going to ask this last question, but you don't have to answer honestly…" she says, taking her hand away from my mouth.

"Do you like girls?" She asks. I bow my head in shame and nod, hugging myself tightly. She shifts in the bed and fixes the wrinkles on her skirt.

"That's all. It's getting late… we should go to sleep." She says, her tone telling that there is no choice in the matter. So I get up from the bed and go sit in my chair, getting into a semi-comfortable position, I attempt to go to sleep....


	5. Master Manipulator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Finally, after so long, I got my head outta my ass and updated this damn thing. I plan to write the next chapter and have it posted soon too.
> 
> Throughout this whole thing I've really just winged it wrote whatever, bit as a result the flow of the story has been negatively affected. The last chapter made it seem like Tissia liked (Y/N), and the whole thing was flowing to fast, so, I changed it. If you did quite catch it, the entire time Tissia has been kind to (Y/N) or anything of the sort, she was manipulating her. There are few minor moments that were ginune though.
> 
> Anyway, I'm going to take some time to plan out the plot and flow of the story better. Hopfully it will improve the fic as whole.
> 
> Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for more! :)

I did not go to sleep, I couldn't. Not with all of the thoughts in my head. I feel like I've made a mistake. I should have lied, but I didn't, and I have no idea what she thinks of me now. It's fine, it will be okay. This just gives me the perfect opportunity to do the spell. I open the book I found the spell in to the bookmarked page. Reading through it, I grab everything I need. Roses, a bowl of water, candles, parchment paper, and a wiring utensil. Carefully, I set up a sort of alter. In the center of the desk is the bowl of water, in a crescent like shape, the candles are above it. Below the bowl to the left are the rose petals, and to the right is the parchment. 

Taking a moment to ground myself, as instructed by the book, I close my eyes and take deep breaths. Thinking of nothing, focusing on my breathing, and of clearing my mind. That is very difficult, especially if you have a very active imagination. Eventually, after failing miserably, I imagine myself in a forest, sitting in front of a large tree. In my mind I can smell the damp dirt, hear the slight rustle of leaves, and feel a cool breeze on my skin. It's surreal, and beautiful. There's most, ivy, and beautiful flowers climbing up the trunk of the massive tree before me. The bark twists and bends in intricate waves, up until they're hidden by the leaves and branches. Underneath and around me are leaves, moss, and grass. I feel myself settle, and a peaceful calm comes over me. I open my eyes and smile serenely to myself. I will definetly be doing that more often. 

I grab a match and light the four candles from left to right, thinking of my intention. Once all of the candles are lit, I put out the match and grab the piece of paper. Focusing on my intent, I write it down and gently place the paper in the water, letting it sink to the bottom of the bowl in it's own time. Once it has touched the bottom, I pick up the rose petals and begin placing them into the water. As the spell instructed, I held each petal to my chest, whispering Tissia's name and that she will heal. Then I kissed the petal and placed it in water, letting them float on the surface.

Once I finished that, I closed my eyes and recited the old elvin word that the book told me to say. I could feel my energy starting to drain, so I focused on the vase of roses, willing the energy to be taken from them. I feel the energy in the room settle, and I open my eyes. Glancing quickly over at the vase, I see that only 3 out of 8 of them are still alive. It worked. Carefully, I lick my fingers and whisper thanks to the candles, putting them out from right to left.

Being careful not to spill the water, I lift the bowl and carry it over to Tissia, placing it on the bedside table. I gently lift her arm, and remove the bandage. There's some blood still seeping through, but it's still not as bad as the first day. She's been doing surprisingly well considering the extent of the damage done to her arm. Once the bandage was completely removed, I dipped my fingers in the water and held my hand over the gash, letting the water drip into the wound. She stirs, and I look up to see her brows furrow slightly, but she isn't awake. Dipping my hand in the water again, I repeat the process 3 more times.

After that, I take the rose petals and gingerly place them over the wound. Taking a deep breath in, I mutter my intention and the elvin word once more. The rose petals glow a faint gold and then return to normal. The spell is complete, I just need to wrap her back up and wait. Tying the wrap back around her cut, I put her arm back down. I linger slightly, feeling the soft skin of her arm, but I quickly pull my hand away. 'Idiot' I think to myself, walking over to my chair and sitting down. I look out the window at the stars, there are some clouds floating around, but it's relatively clear. Laying my head back, I pull my thin blanket over myself and try to drift off to sleep. It takes a while, the thoughts from before creeping back into my head, but eventually I drift off to sleep.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

I wake up to a strange tingly sensation in my arm. I look over, after adjusting to the morning sun pouring through the window, and see that there's a new bandage on my arm. But unlike the last few times (Y/N) had changed it, there wasn't blood. So, either she just changed it, or she did something… either way, I'm glad I'm not wearing a nasty bandage. Looking over to her I rule out one of the options, she's dead asleep. If I couldn't see her breathing I'd think she was.

So the only logical explanation is that she did something. Carefully, I get up and stretch. Then look around. I notice a bowl of water on the bedside table, 4 slightly burned candles on the desk, and an open book. Like any sensible person, I go over to the desk and read the book. It's open on a healing spell that requires the subject to be asleep… that explains it. So she did a healing spell last night. Looking over to the roses, I notice that there are only 3 left alive… a spell like that should have killed all of them. Well, she finally did something! Took her long enouph.

She does look exhausted… but healthy. That's just what happens when an inexperienced sorceress does spells, they are bound to mess something up. Considering who in fact did it, it's unsurprising that she did something wrong. (Y/N) seems to have a knack for messing things up, it's like a special talent of hers. But at least she tried, and it seems she did a good job. 

I go over to the bed and pick up the book I was reading last night. If I'm going to be awake, I may as well educate myself. Flipping to the page I left off on, I continue reading. Many of the beasts in this book are just foul, absolutely horrendous. It's a good thing witchers exist, or they'd be running amok. There are a few though that pique my interest, some that aren't even all the horrible.

I spend about an hour reading, but eventually I get bored of that as well. Being cooped up in the room is horrible… I may actually go exploring, maybe find some food for (Y/N) and I. I'll do that, it's best to stretch my legs anyway.

I created a sort of sling for my arm, which is very difficult considering I can only use one of them. I make due though. Eventually, after a lot of struggling, I'm ready, and I make my way out the door. It doesn't take very long for me to run onto a servant. So, I asked them if they could help me to the kitchens to get some food.

The hallways are made entirely of stone, hunks of rock expertly placed together. The servant stayed quiet, so the only sounds that echoed through the hall were our footsteps. Well, at least they are, until the older woman walking beside me decided to make conversation.

"You're one of the Novice mages right?" The woman asks, looking down at me from the corner of her eye.

"Yes, am I expected to be anything else?" I say. I'm curious, but I don't take kindly to being mistaken for a servant girl, if that is what's happening here. The elder woman is quick to remedy her mistake.

"Oh no miss, not at all. It's just unusual to see the Novices wandering the halls alone so early in their time here." She says, a small smile on her face. "You must be one of her top students." I frown at this comment, because I know it's not true. I haven't gotten to learn anything about chaos and magic since I've been here, because someone just had to challenge the Rectoress.

The servant notices the slight change in my facial expression and a look of clarity comes over her face. She looks almost sympathetic, which irritates me. I shouldn't need sympathy, it's unnecessary. The only person who's going to need sympathy is (Y/N) when I'm through with her. She may have been a generous and kind host… and she may seem good at heart… but she is the reason ik in this mess. I mustn't forget that.

"So you're the student that caused trouble then?" The servant says, a small smile on her face. It's quickly wiped away when I glare up at her, hatred burning in my eyes. She mistook me for that dim witted twat?! Really?

"I most certainly am not!" I sneer through barbed teeth. It's outrageous, me? A trouble maker? Not in this lifetime, or any other for that matter. After a moment though, I almost feel bad. A blank look has over cast her features, but I can see the regret in her eyes. She looks me up and down, her eyes lingering on my arm. She hesitates, but eventually she does speak again.

"My apologies miss, I should have payed more attention… I'd forgotten there were two of you." She says, carefully choosing her words. There's a long moment of silence as we continue walking. I can hear clattering and the sounds of people yelling in the distance. The smell of warm food is unmistakable, we've almost arrived at the kitchens.

"You seem like you hate this girl… how have you not killed her yet?" The servant asks me, stopping just before the kitchen doors and turning to me. I turn to face her as well, giving a curt and monotonous answer.

"I do not wish to kill her. I want to get away from her as soon as possible," the woman nods and I continue.  
"The only way to get what I want is to pretend that I don't hate her. The sooner I'm healed, the sooner I get to learn. She has to believe she can do magic to be able to heal me."

"So you're manipulating her?" The servant says, a look of concern on her face. I breathe in and nod.

"Yes, I am. If she thinks that I trust her, she will do better. She needs validation." I say matter-of-factly. The servant nods, looking almost saddened. I don't care though, her opinion is insignificant, I have my own problems to deal with.

We enter the kitchens and she tells the cooks to fix some food for me and (Y/N). They don't take too horribly long, apparently they'd still had left over from breakfast. It's not too long until me and the servant woman are on our way back to the room. The walk back is silent the whole way, the servant clearly stuck in her own head.


	6. The End Of A Trial

I wake up to the creak of a door and two pairs of footsteps entering the room. I open my eyes, much to my regret considering that the sun is shining right in my face. I have to blink a few times, but soon I'm able to see properly again. To my surprise I find Tissaia and another woman placing a tray of food on the bedside table. I stand up and stretch, my joints popping and cracking. As it turns out, hearing something cracking behind you isn't something you can ignore, so both Tissaia and the servant woman turn quickly to look at me.

"Oh, don't mind me, just waking up." I say, yawning right afterwards. Tissaia seems less than pleased, per usual, but the servant seems to be looking at me as if she's seen a ghost. I smile softly at her and hold my hand out to her.

"(Y/N), it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. You are?" I say politely, earning a sigh from Tissaia. The older woman smiles slightly and takes my hand, shaking it curtly before letting go quickly.

"Gwendolyn" she bows slightly, "I'm sorry to have awoken you Miss." She says respectfully. I let out a chuckle, amused by her behavior.

"Oh please, it's not a problem. And you don't need to bow, it's not like I'm a queen." She looks at me with a smile on her face, and nods in understanding.

"As you wish…" the servant says. Tissaia, un all of her prim glory, has to say something. Which, I should be used to by now, she has a habit of making things tense.

"Well, that will be all Gwendolyn." Gwendolyn, in response to Tissaia's brash rudeness, frowns and bows her head. I glare at Tissaia expectantly and all she does is raise a brow and turn away. With a huff, I take Gwendolyn carefully by the arm and escort her out the door. Once it's closed I let go of her and give her a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry about her. She can be a bit of a bitch, but she has her moments." I tell her, looking at the door briefly. When I meet her gaze again, I can see a tinge of sorrow in her eyes. She puts on a tight smile and stands tall, forcing me to look up at her slightly.

"I'd be careful with that one (Y/N)." She says, looking down at me. I smile back at her and nod. She's about to walk away when I gently grab her arm, quickly recoiling when she looks back at me confused.

"I'm sorry, it's just… my mother told me recently that I have, or rather had, an aunt named Gwen…" I tell her, looking in her eyes. The woman smiles and places her hands delicately on my shoulders.

"If it makes you feel any better, you could call me Gwen. I know how hard it is to be here without family." She says affectionately. I give her a wide smile and hug her, which makes her laugh heartily and pat me on my back. Eventually I let her go and we say our goodbyes. I watch her as she walks down the hall, a small thought entering my brain, though I'm sure it's not mine.

'I will help you find her.'

I think nothing of it and enter the room once more. Tissaia is sitting neatly on the bed, eating her share of breakfast. Her little tray is set up neatly in her lap, everything perfectly symmetrical and her food groups purposefully separated. It's kind of cute how nitpicky she is. I walked over to the other tray with the remaining food and dug in. The eggs are light and fluffy, perfectly textured, and taste faintly of salt and pepper. The sausage is juicy and spicy. I finnish off the plate with a slice of bread, dragging it over the plate to get anything I may have left behind.

"You didn't have to be so rude to her." I say, looking pointedly at Tissaia, she ignores me and undoes the sling for her other arm. I reach to help her bust she glares at me so I let her do it herself. She struggles with the fabric for a while, her free hand fumbling with the knot she'd tied. There's a small crease between her brows from her furrowing her brows in concentration. Eventually though, she manages to get the damn thing off. That's when she finally decides to talk to me.

"You did a spell last night." She says matter-of-factly, I look at her with my mother slightly ajar, then I notice the open book on the desk. After putting two and two together, my initial shock is gone. Of course the ever observant Tissaia noticed. I lean back in my seat, slumping down in a very un-ladylike manner, and cross my arms over my chest. Tissaia is unphased by this, or at least she appears to be.

"Yeah. It should be healed within the next hour, if I did it right." I tell her. She lets out a sigh, of what I'm assuming is relief, and stands up. Why she even bothered to use a sling, I have no idea, her arm seems to be doing just fine. Of course I won't be pointing that out, I don't feel like spending the rest of the day on her shit list. Our little fiasco is finally going to end, and 3 days early! If I'm being honest, I'll be glad when this is all over. I don't think I could handle having to care for another person for too much longer, especially Tissaia, she is high maintenance. 

I get up from my spot and grab her arm, starting to untie the wrap, hopefully for the last time. Miss Tissaia is not too happy with the sudden contact. She doesn't tell me to stop though, so I just continue as I was. After unwrapping her arm, I carefully peel off the rose petals, and much to my amazement, there is only a thin pink scab. I look up at Tissaia with a huge grin plastered on my face, we meet eyes, and I can see a faint smile on her face. It's gone in an instant, and she snatches her arm from me, turning her head slightly away from me. Frowning, I stand up straight and look at the floor. Nothing will ever come out of this, I'm a fool, but I guess that's okay. She's healed, that's all that matters.

"We need to get the Rectoress." She says pointedly, standing up and marching right out the door. I'm left looking out the open door, I feel almost sad to see her leave, and in such haste. But I shake my head and put on a smile, holding my chin up high and following after her. Those selfish thoughts will need to be kept in check, so long as she is happy I can manage, and she will be so much happier without me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter than I'd originally planned for it to be, but I had been struggling to finnish it. So I decided to make it easier for myself and shorten it.


	7. It's HIGH Time We Made A Friends

It's been weeks since I had last spoken to Tissaia, or rather, since she had spoken to me. I can't say I expected any less. It had become apparent that after our 4 days together, she wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing can be done about that, and nothing will be. She has chosen to still resent me for my mistake, and I don't blame her. So, I avoided her too, as I am now… sitting alone in the dining hall. When I say I'm avoiding her, what I really mean is that I am sitting alone at the table closest to the hall's door. And watching her, can't forget that detail. Not in a creepy way! I'm just occasionally observing what's going on with the other 7 girls. Which, I'd learned their names, through a very embarrassing lesson from the Rectoress. The lesson itself was meant to have been taught on the first day, but the rectoress decided to postpone. The Rectoress's decision to do so made the other girls very irritated with me. To say the least.

There is of course Tissaia, who I am all too familiar with. She was one of the 4 that was actually capable of lifting the rock, while using the flower as a conduit. I had been tempted to make a snarky comment about our time together not being entirely useless, but I decided against it. She hates me enough as it is, I don't think damaging her precious ego would do much good. One of the other girls, who took longer, but was quick to follow mine and Tissaia's lead, is named Margarita. She has lovely blonde hair, and strikingly blue eyes, almost the same shade as Tissaia's, but not nearly as beautiful… is what I would say, if me and said blue eyed brunette weren't currently at odds. Have I made my point? I'm pretty sure I have. Anyways, Margarita - or as she prefers to be called - Rita, is a very interesting character. She clearly has no shame, and somehow she's managed not to make all of the girls hate her. Despite her garish and quite childish behavior. She is actually one of the only girls that hasn't decided that I am a bane of the earth, which I am grateful for. 

Roan, with her pale yellowish skin and who's hair is straighter than the stick up Tissaia's ass, has a very unfortunate case of air headedness. She cannot take hints for the life of her, and it is almost intriguing the amount of idiotic blabbering that can come from her before Annita (another one of the girls) covers her mouth. Annita, as previously mentioned, is the sound control of the group over yonder. Her skin is a lovely shade of chocolatey brown, and I would find her effortlessly attractive if it wasn't for her tendency to make the most overly expressive and revolving faces on the continent. Her smile is too wide and very clearly forced, her lips peel back from her teeth a horrifying amount when she does. She has some semblance of intelligence, but her constant need to sneer and wrinkle her nose at the mere sight of me is ridiculous. She does have pretty eyes though, a nice hazel color, leaning more toward brown than green. Her hair is short, nearly to her scalp, and it's black like Roan's. 

Then there's Sanota and Veblen. Sanota has auburn hair and brown eyes, her features are soft and round, but her personality is the complete opposite. She's a bitch, from the way she walks to the way she talks, it just screams, "I thrive off of the tears of children." I had attempted to help her during the rock lifting lesson, but she was having none of it. As a result, a few of her fingers withered and died on her left hand. It was truly horrifying. Her once pale skin had turned a disgusting murky gray and black, and I don't think she'll ever be able to use those fingers again. The point is though, she is so rude and unaccepting of help from anyone, that it's self-destructive. Quite literally. I would almost feel bad for her, if she wasn't so cruel to me, and poor Veblen.

She is younger than me by about 2 years, being around 14. She is actually a very sweet girl, she's quiet and respectful. But she worships the ground that Sanota walks on. Sanota is very rude to her, calls her names, pushes her around. Veblen had actually tried to talk to me once and Sonata was quick to grab her by her light brown hair and drag her away. The girl was on the verge of tears. But with Sanota's cruelty, she also gets protection. From what? Well, that would be from Tissaia's annoyance, Rita's bad habits, Roan's idiotic choices of coversation, and Annita's terrifying facial expressions. To Veblen, Sonata is a new older sister and guardian angel - obviously - to literally anybody else, Sanota is using her for menial tasks and as a servant. It's infuriating, but I can understand why. The Rectoress gives us a LOT of pointless work and stuff that really could be avoided, but the rest of us suck it up and just do it. Not push it on a weaker, easily manipulated, child. Well… she's not a child, but my point still stands!

Finally, there's Lida. Lida is huge, I mean, HUGE. She's around five foot ten and her body is just muscle. If it weren't for her shoulder length blonde hair and shockingly feminine voice, I would think she was some sort of unisex goddess. She has been surprisingly open about her life, she was raised on a farm and her mother died before she could bear any sons. Her father was so in love with his deceased wife that he couldn't remarry and try for one, so he raised his daughter like he would have raised his son. The result is mouth wateringly delicious, but she's not really my type. Very attractive in her own right, but just not for me. Maybe if I get on her good side, she could help me get a little more fit? Highly unlikely. She's a follower, and as a follower, she's going to follow the rest of the girls in hating me. Which, I don't really care anymore, I've got me.

It's lonely, I can pretend all I like, but it sucks. The only person who's actually bothered to spend the faintest bit of time on me since the situation Tissaia ended was Gwendolyn. The servant woman. She's very sweet, and has been very supportive. A part of me wants to wish and hope that she is secretly my aunt and that she can whisk me away from this place forever. That is impossible, so outrageously optimistic that it almost makes me want to cry in frustration. Despite this though, she has been a beacon of light over the past few weeks, and I couldn't be more thankful. It's actually because of her, that what I lack in friends my age, I have gained friends her age. Much of the staff knows me by name, and occasionally I'll be visited by the odd maid who was passing by, or a cook who wanted me to try a new recipe of theirs. The company has been tremendous, but lacking. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking to them all and learning about their lives and stories of adventure from the few that have actually been out on the world to explore. But I want to bond with someone my age, and not for diplomatic reasons like I had before coming to Aretuza. So that I can genuinely enjoy the time I spend with another person, so we can cause trouble and talk about the people we like. Someone I could come out too if I trust them enough.

I thought I could get that from Tissaia, but she clearly has other plans. I'm hoping she forgets about my sexuality, I should have lied. I would have lied, if I'd known this is how we would end up. Me sitting at a table as far away from her, her new friends, and everyone else in the Hal as possible. While I watch her laugh from afar, and Margarita gets out of her seat with her tray and leaves the table, walking over towards me. Wait a minute! Why is she coming over here? Did she see me starring, am I about to get yelled at? I wasn't trying to stare, I was just… yes I was staring, but it wasn't in a bad way. I'm an idiot, what should I do? She's almost here. Fuck, damn it. I'm looking down, I'm going to look down at my tray and pick at my food while I wait for the ensuing lecture.

But it never comes. I see her place her tray down right in front of me and plop downright there. Timidly, I look up. Never being this close to her before, I suddenly notice so much. Her eyes are nothing like Tissaia's, actually, they're so much brighter and filled with mischief. Tissaia's eyes are more gray in comparison, not like it matters. Margarita's nose is ever so slightly crooked toward the left, and her lips are full. She is very attractive, shockingly so. On her plump lips, is a grin riddled with trouble and, surprisingly, friendliness. She doesn't seem all too abashed by my observation of her, she actually seems to be thriving off the attention, which is interesting. She, obviously, had no problem sizing me up too, and it's when her grin widens that our akward and strange silence is finally interrupted.

"So, (Y/N), are you having fun over here by yourself?" She says, taking a bite of the food on her plate. I hesitate, suspicious of her reasons for being over here.

"No, actually. It's quite boring." I say, looking around the hall. The girls at Margarita's former table are all looking over at us with confused faces, and I must say, I am just as confused. My confusion of course is dissipated when she speaks again.

"It can't be more boring than over there. They keep yapping about how the Rectoress is so powerful and assignments blah blah blah." She says emphasizing her words by waving her fork around. "You though," She points the fork at me.

"You seem like much more entertaining company to keep." She finishes her sentence by stabbing a piece of her pork and bringing it to her mouth to chew slowly. I had long since finished my food, but my glass was still half full, so I took a sip before answering. The juice inside is tart and dries my mouth some once I've swallowed it. Very disappointing.

"And what makes you think that, Margarita Laux-Antille." I say, opting to use her full name for formal and intimidation purposes. She swallows her bite of pork before giving me a devilish smirk. She places down her fork and puts her elbows on the table, folding her hands together under her chin.

"I know a fellow troublemaker when I see one, and seeing as how Tissaia has expressed a LOT about how much of one you are, I think you and I will get along perfectly." She says. Well… guess there's no arguing against that. I was about to try, but before I could open my mouth, she reached her hand out for me to shake.

"Just call me Rita, there's no need for all that fancy shit, especially since we're now friends." She says as I take her hand and shake it. I look her in the eye with my brows furrowed.

"I never said we were friends." I said, a bit of amusement playing on her face and mine. She stands up, smiling down at me.

"Maybe not yet…" she says cryptidly, "meet me in my room in 2 hours. It's the room at the end of your hall." And with that, she leaves the dinning hall and leaves me alone to my thoughts. I'm smiling, I know I am. Have I really just made a friend? Perhaps. She showed no intention of hurting me, so meeting her later shouldn't be too bad of a plan right? I will of course tell Gwen, for safety reasons, if she doesn't see me in the morning to help with breakfast she'll need to come looking. I know she will, she cares about me. If things do go wrong and it is a trap, then I can just run out and hide in my room for the rest of the night.otherwise, things should be nice and calm.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Things were certainly NOT calm. Not in the slightest. Upon arriving at her room, I was very quickly greeted with smoke and the undeniable scent of alcohol. Why? Well because miss Margarita Laux-Antille was smoking a blunt of unknown origin and had a bottle of wine held firm in her hand. She clearly had just begun… whatever this is. But, I at least knew that she wasn't trying to kill me. On purpose. I lasted maybe 2 minutes before the temptation to join her was too much, she was incredibly adamant about me joining her in her little party, and who am I to decline. So, the night went from confusing to so irrevocably clear that I feel like an idiot for questioning her intentions before. The other girls, teacher's pets and people pleasers that they are, had refused to join Rita in her fun multiple times. That's ridiculous! Who in their right mind would give up the chance to get high out of your mind and three sheets to the wind with this complete wack job? Rita is a riot. She is completely unabashed by literally everything, she doesn't give a damn, and her sense of humor is absolutely filthy. She is the BEST person you could ever get into trouble with. 

So much so, that maybe one joint and four swigs of wine in, and I'm agreeing to steal a frog from one of the many classrooms and put the little fucker in Roan's room. That task was not so horrible. Finding out where the frogs were was a problem, me and Rita had to drunkenly wonder about for hours trying to find out which room they were in. Everything was moving and all the rooms started to look the same. By some miracle, no one was patrolling this hall, for now anyway. Being drunk and completely dumbasses at the moment, we'd forgotten to close all of the doors that we opened. We don't care, we have a goal. At one point Rita had tugged on my dress and drug me into one of the rooms. It was decidedly NOT a classroom. It was a winery, how did we find it? We shall never know, but, it's location is now burned within our brains and we shall forever find it from this day forth.

The room in itself is massive, wall to wall are shelves of unopened bottles of wine and other random alcohols that are placed in some sort of order. That order does not matter to us intoxicated teenagers, because we are drunk… and teenagers. It's not rocket science the point is, we have been introduced to a treasure trove of liquid courage, and the first thing we're going to do is steal as much as we possibly can and hide it everywhere. So, our side quest begins. Take as much rum, brandy, wine, jack, scotch, vodka, and whatever else is in there and carry it in our skirts like kangaroo pouches. Our legs are indecently exposed, and we do not care, we have loot. Said loot is loud, which of course means that we should shush it. Shushing is actually more loud and pointless, but we do it anyway. Why? Because our new babies are being loud and they need to shut up. They do not shut up, not until we have all but one bottle each of it. Out of maybe 20 bottles, 2 are unhidden. 

It is at this point that we have finally found the classrooms. So, after deciding to hide the last two bottles in my room tomorrow, we go and save a frog from it's doom. A very magical doom. Said frog is a grayish brown color and very cute. It's eyes are gold. He has been dictated a boy by Rita dearest, and his name is now Fredrick. Fredrick the frog, who will soon be acquainted with Roan. Roan, with her black hair and eyes. Roan, who talks too much and gets on Rita's nerves. Roan, who has insulted Tissaia on multiple occasions unknowingly.

"Roan did what!?" I whisper-yell at Rita. Rita, is amused, her face cracking into a manic and almost teasing grin.

"Yeah (Y/N)," she says smoothly, wrapping an arm around me and leaning against my shoulder, my already imparted balance worsening with her added weight and swaying. I asked her what Roan said, ignoring the slight tremor of anger I feel. It's nothing, I'm just mad that I wasn't the one who did it.

"Oh, Roan told her that she was an…. Uptight hormonal mess, " Rita hesitates, trying to remember through her haze. "With a serious neatness problem?" She is clearly unsure of her answer, but I have to laugh. The insult itself was funny, but clearly not meant as an insult. It was an observation that Roan, being her, couldn't keep to herself. My laughter is quickly joined by Rita's, both of us covering each other's mouths and shushing one another.We are nearly to Roan's room, the familiar hall with all of our rooms just around the next corner. 

"Tissaia must have been mad," I said, chuckling lightly. Rita looks at me like I'm an idiot, I probably am.

"Mad? She wasn't just mad. She was livid, she stormed out of the hall without a word to anyone, it was fantastic…. But disappointing, Roan needs to shut up." She says, round the corner with me and starting to lead the way to Roan's room.

"Well, maybe sir Fredrick the fierce can teach her some manners?" I offer, looking down at Fredrick and letting him softly on his head. Rita shakes her head and stops in front of a door, slowly opening it. I frown, knowing that now I must let my dear friend Fredrick the frog go. Telling him goodbye, I hand him reluctantly to Rita. She goes into the room, leaving me to do a horrible job to keep a lookout.

Roan was fast asleep of course, because no one is supposed to be awake. Me and Rita giggle as quietly as possible while leaving Roan's room. The deed has been done, and what a wonderful morning it is. It's maybe…. Two in the morning? It's hard to keep track of time. They get caught of course, but by one of my servant friends, they look at the two of us, smile, wink, and carry on their way. The rest of the short trek to Rita's room is excruciatingly difficult because of the swaying, leaning, stumbling, and quiet chuckling we're doing. 

When we have finally made it back to Rita's room, it's like the floodgates have been busted open, because the second that door closed we were on the floor laughing like buffoons. Rita, who has decided the night is not yet over, takes yet another swig of wine and passes it to me. It's warm, and grape flavored. I can understand why people would drink wine all the time at dinner parties, it's a delight! The way it makes you feel is amazing. I'm happy and everything is so funny, my eyes are kind of tired, but I'm not sleepy. I crawl over to Rita and grab her hand, grinning like an idiot.

"You are… my best friend…" I say, slurring slightly and shaking my head. Rita rolls over on top of me and hugs me, nuzzling into my chest. Her hair tickles my nose, so I blow it outta my face and wrap my arms around her. 

"Besties… let's give those girls hell… hm?" She says drowsily, looking up at me and blinking slowly. With an unreasonably loud laugh and a dopey grin, I nod in agreement. She lays her head back down, sprawled on top of me. She's not exactly light, but I don't feel like moving her, so I let her lie there. Eventually she starts to snore, it's annoying, but I'm too drunk to care. So, not so long after her, I slowly begin to drift off… so begins the most chaotic and troublesome friendship in all of Aretuza. The Rectoress wanted chaos… well, here it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! Margarita and you are now Besties! And Tissaia, of course, is still a cold hearted bitch.


	8. Lessons In The Library

The newfound friendship with Rita had been an unexpected, but not unwelcome, development. Oftentimes we'd find ourselves lazing about in each other's rooms, wandering the halls, or goofing around in class. Rita, as I've learned, has no restraint and the impulsiveness of a puppy. I'm more than willing to tag a long on her whims, within reason. Our first night together was eventful, and the rest of the days we spend together aren't any less so. Our friendship is no secret from the other girls, and at this point the rectoress is well aware of it too. Our pranks aren't subtle, as Tissaia and her clique know on an intimate level.

These pranks consist of terrorizing the other 6 girls while Margarita and I laugh our asses off. Roan, who was our first victim, had ended up with the frog in the bodice of one of her dresses. Her scream made it all the way down the hall and to Rita's room that morning. Sonata got her hair chopped off, why? Because she was especially mean to Veblen one day, and I simply wasn't having it. Rita had agreed with that sentiment. The main person we torture though is Tissaia, she is painfully easy to piss off and annoy. Rita, who is somehow still kind of accepted by the girls, does most of the dirty work. 

She will subtly wrinkle up Tissaia's sleeves and initiate pointless physical contact, which Tissaia hates with a passion. Eveytime Rita lets her have some air, Tissaia fixes the imperfections on her dress and tries to create distance between herself and Rita. That is entirely pointless, because Rita is always right back at it again. Tissaia's eye would twitch every now and then, clearly in her effort not to explode. Eventually she realized what Rita was doing, so now Rita can't sit by her anymore. 

Our new scheme is to disrupt her perfectly organized desk. Being Tissaia, she has an obsession with keeping herself and her space tidy and organized, which is why this is perfect. It's not malevolent… Well, maybe not to me and Rita, but it's enough to tick her off. So that brings us to where we are, sitting through a lecture from Rectoress Phobe Del-Lana, and moving Tissaia's quill slightly to the left every time she straightens it on her desk. It takes about 4 times before Tissaia realizes that it is, in fact, not her OCD making her think it's not straight. It's when she looks back at Rita in an accusatory fashion that things get mildly more interesting.

"Miss De Vries, it's not often that you choose not to pay attention. Why now?" The Rectoress says, eyebrows raised. Tissaia is quick to turn back to the front of the class, a slight blush on her cheeks. 'Ooh she's embarrassed~' I think to myself, smiling slightly. This is a mistake, because Rectoress Del-Lana is quick to turn her attention to me.

"And you Miss (Y/N). This behavior is to be expected from someone like you, but is it truly necessary to sully Tissaia's reputation along with your own?" I can hear some of the girls snickering behind us. Of course they'll laugh at me and not miss perfect. I glance over at Tissaia, to find her glaring at me. I should be used to this, she's not shy about her disdain for me, but she ordinarily shows it by ignoring my existence. It's painful really. To think that after everything that had happened months prior, she still hates me. We learned a lot then, and I thought we could've been friends after she healed. I was hoping so at least. It was foolish to think that. I'm the reason she was injured, I'm the reason she's had to work so hard to gain the Rectoresses favor, and I'm about to ruin it for her again.

"My apologies Rectoress, I was bothering her for my own entertainment, she's not at fault." I say, my head bowed. If I'm going to salvage any friendship we could have had, this is the best way I can do it. The Rectoress, who I'm sure already knew this, nods and returns to the large water basin on her desk. We had been learning about water bending before I caused this pointless distraction.

"Well, since you're so adept in chaos that you'd waste your energy pestering a fellow student, I believe you should be the one to give us a demonstration of water bending." This was not a request, nothing the Rectoress ever says is. So I get up from my desk and go over to the bowl. The bowl is made of a dark brown mahogany, and it's filled halfway with water. From where I'm standing I can see the slightest gleam of amusement on Tissaia's face. Rita, who had been silently watching the whole interaction, gives me a thumbs up and a small smile. 

Looking down at the water and taking a deep breath in, I focus on the clear liquid sitting still in the basin. I let it out softly through my mouth and clear my mind. Focusing my intent on the water, I envision small ripples and waves on its surface. I say the elder word - softly and with reverence, letting myself relax and allowing chaos to flow through me. I can feel a rush of smooth energy within me, making my skin tingle pleasantly. The water moves, a lulling pattern of soft ripples spreading and colliding with the walls of the water basin. With the energy I feel in myself, I direct my chaos to the water, letting myself feel as one with it.

With conviction I enunciate the word again, projecting it so that everyone in the room can hear it. Willing the water in the bowl to form a ball, I manipulate the chaos surrounding it and lift the liquid from the bowl. A few droplets fall from the sphere, but I pay them no mind. I glance out to the rest of the girls, and find that they are all in shock. I can't blame them, I'm normally the one who slacks off a good bit of the time, but it's almost insulting that they think I don't do the work at all. I procrastinate, sure, but I still do as I'm told… most of the time.

Rita dearest is wearing a wide grin. Roan, who sits behind her, looks dumbfounded (which is nothing new), but her yellowish face seems to have paled into a light sandy color. Her black eyes are wide with shock. Annita, ever the excessive horror, has her jaw dropped practically to her knees and her brows furrowed a fair bit too much to be natural. She seems almost appalled by my magical capability. Lida, Sanota, and Veblen actually look impressed. Rectoress Del-Lana regards me with minimal interest - which isn't so surprising.

Tissaia though, her face is schooled into a perfectly impassive expression. She betrays nothing but vague acknowledgment… but her eyes, I can see a thousand thoughts swirling behind them. I've tried not to look her in the eyes, I didn't want to be weird, but now I realize that they show everything that her face does not. A glint of wonder hides behind them, but I catch it right before she turns her attention to the rectoress.

"Well, it appears you do have talent after all. Go and take a seat (Y/N)." The rectoress says. I bow my head in her direction and quickly return to my seat. The rest of the day proceeds as it normally would. After our trial with Del-Lana, we are dismissed to our rooms. None of us ever stay in our rooms of course, we are granted relative free-reign of the school. Most days me and Rita will sneak off to the kitchens and snag some snacks, courtesy of lady Gwendolyn. Today though, Rita has decided to do some spy work for the two of us. Aka, she's going to hang out with the rest of the girls and fill me in on any preposterous rumors so that we can laugh at how ridiculous they are.

So for today I will be spending my evening in the library. I'm not entirely sure if any of the other novices know where it is, seeing as how I was led to it by a friend in the staff. The library itself is wondrous. The shelves reach high and are made of dark oak, and there are a few windows that let the sun shine into the room for most of the day. 

Currently, I am reading a book on herbology. This one particularly goes over where you can find the herbs and the best conditions to keep them in once harvested. Mandrake root, for example, is meant to be kept in a sealed container so that the small particles released from it when exposed to oxygen don't float in the air. If inhaled, it can cause you to hallucinate and pass out, you could die from it as well. Sadly, the most interesting herbs were the rarest, but that much is to be expected. Nothing interesting is ever too easy to find.

My peaceful reading is interrupted by someone sitting on the small sofa across from me. When I look up, I realize exactly who has intruded in on my "secret" place. Tissaia, ever prim and proper, is seated on the edge of the cushion and looking right at me. I look right back at her for a second before closing my book and placing it carefully beside me. That is when Tissaia starts talking.

"First of all, I do not appreciate you distracting me while in session with Rectoress Del-Lana." She says curtly. 

"But I can't exactly blame you, Rita is a horrible influence. It really is a shame that someone of your clear magical talent would resolve to do something so childish." This earns Tissaia an irritated look.

"If you came here to fuss at me for bugging you, there's no need. I learned my lesson." I say, tapping the cushion impatiently. Personally, I'd rather not have to deal with Tissaia's scrutiny right now. She doesn't leave though, and continues to talk.

"That's not all I came for (Y/N). Clearly you have been spending a lot of time practicing your magic. I'd say that as of now, the amount of control that you have may rival my own…" Tissaia says. I tilt my head slightly and give her a puzzled expression.

"What exactly have you been doing that helps you to maintain so much balance and control? It can't be anything the Rectoress is teaching us." Tissaia continues. I give her a smile and slide down to the rug between us. It has simple patterns, it's woven with threads of multiple shades of red and yellow. I gesture for her to mimic my position. She hesitates of course, clearly not wanting to dirty her skirts by sitting on the floor. But eventually Tissaia does lower herself to the floor.

"Meditation and grounding." I say softly,

"They aren't exactly the same, but they are similar." A crease forms between Tissaia's brows as I say this. I can't help but smile, it's kind of cute when she does that. She urges me to go on regardless.

"When you're grounding yourself, you are focusing on your connection to the world around you. It's helpful before and after spell work. It's really just you taking a moment to focus on the sensations around you, and letting yourself rest and your mind feel at ease. Be sure to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth" I explain. I place my hand on the rug.

"Think of the rough texture of the carpet. The smell of paper and candles. The sounds of pages turning and quills on paper." I say. Tissaia closes her eyes and appears to be listening to the small sounds in the library. There's barely anyone here when I am, but the librarian is always here, always flipping through books and taking notes on certain things.

"What about meditation?" Tissaia asks, her eyes now open and looking at me as if I'm the most interesting person in the room. That look makes my heart feel heavy but also light at the same time. I push the feeling away and continue on with my little lesson.

"Meditation is when you focus on yourself and try to block out the outside world. Most people clear their heads and try to think of nothing, but I like to imagine that I'm somewhere else. Somewhere peaceful. I believe it's called a mindscape, but don't quote me on that." I say, a small laugh escaping me. Tissaia's lips turn upwards slightly and she shakes her head a little.

"I assume that we're supposed to breath the same right? In through the nose out through the mouth?" She asks. I nod and demonstrate, taking a deep breath in and holding it for 3 seconds before letting it out slowly. She copies me and I give her an approving smile.

We sit in silence, the only sounds around us are the in and outs of our synchronized breathing. It's pleasant to have her here with me, clearly interested in what I have to share with her and in sharing my company. At some point I find myself drifting off to the time she and I had spent together only a month or so ago. It feels like so long since then, since her cold demeanor had changed to be a little kinder. Sadly, she was never truly being kind for the sake of it, Gwendolyn had informed me that Tissaia was using her kindness to manipulate me. Tissaia wanted out, I can understand that, but it's still kind of painful to think about. Maybe now, with some time and communication, we could learn to call each other friends.

Our meetings in the library became a daily thing. We spent an hour everyday together meditating and grounding ourselves after lessons. She had mentioned that she felt a lot more energized after our sessions. She asked questions and on the 4th day she brought a journal with her. Now whenever I say something of interest, she writes it down. On the 5th day, she asked me what my mindscape looked like. I told her of course, and I asked her what hers looked like. She didn't want to tell me though, so I left it alone.

But one day she just stopped coming. She had said she would be here, but she's running very late. She's never late. I give her 10 more minutes and then leave, walking down the hall to my rooms. She was probably busy, maybe she had homework? It doesn't matter, just because she missed one day doesn't mean she won't come around again. And on my way down the stone corridor I held on to that thought. Then I see Rita come around the corner and walk right to me. She seems almost frantic, but also shocked, and angry. I stop in my tracks and give her a concerned look.

"What's wrong Rita? Did something happen?" I ask her worriedly. She grabs me gently by the arms and looks me in the eyes. There's fear in her eyes.

"Is it true (Y/N)?" She asks me. 

"What do you mean? That's not much to go on Rita." I answer, now increasingly worried.

"You don't know… oh geez," Rita bites at her lip before continuing.

"Tissaia just told everyone that you're a homosexual." Rita says quietly. She frantically adds that she doesn't mind and that she herself has been questioning. But I don't have the will to care. I can't care about that, not right now.

"Tissaia outed me?" I say, practically seething with rage. I feel betrayed to say the least. 5 days I spent helping her and supposedly bonding with her, and this is what I get? I'm not just angry, no, I am livid. Rita has held the sense to give me some space. 

That night during dinner, Rita and I snuck into Tissaia's room and trashed it. We flipped her bed, broke her inkwells, and snapped her quills. Rita took a few of Tissaia's dresses and the sheets from her bed and dumped ink all over it. I took her meditation journal and pocketed it, no use in her having my help if she's going to treat me like shit. Though it hurt me a lot to do it, I tore all of her books from the shelf and threw them around the room. Eventually Rita said it was time to go and we booked it to our rooms. We did not celebrate that night. No, I spent the night crying and angrily telling Rita everything. From the beginning of mine and Tissaia's relationship, to now. And Rita, being the best friend that she is, held me and listened to everything.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Readers,
> 
> Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it. For news and updates about the fic, please visit my Tumblr and Twitter at GayLlamaFromSpace (Twitter:@GayLlama2004)
> 
> Lots of love ❤ xx,
> 
> Miranda


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